[Maggie Appleton](https://twitter.com/Mappletons) posted a [tweet](https://x.com/Mappletons/status/1727735653842993640?s=20) asking folks what caused them to fail to build their own digital garden. I wanted to respond, but I realized there's a lot more to say on the topic of why I fail to get things out. ## The Shape of Failure I have a long history of falling short of my intentions and failing to do something I intended / wanted to do. Chief amongst these litany of failures is the failure to launch a personal site / digital garden / blog *that I'm proud of*. There's a few reasons why I believe this happens. ### Perfectionism I struggle with perfectionism. When I say that, I mostly mean I have this ideal in my head of how I feel it should be and my efforts in realizing that ideal usually fall short. The problem here is that often times when I'm working on my own projects I don't allow myself to feel that good is good enough. Given the common approximation that 80% of effort is in the last 20% of work then it would make sense in how those final details could be so disheartening. I have a continual goal of just getting to the _good enough_ state and being happy with what I've been able to do. ### Lack of Dedication As someone with ADHD, novelty is an incredibly powerful motivating force. Having a new idea or project to work on is intrinsically more compelling to me than continuing to iterate on a longer lived project with lower levels of novelty. This intellectual craving for the next new thing manifests as a lack of overall dedication in my own personal pursuits. I understand from a work context (where long term focus is motivated by external forces and thus not as subject to the novelty factor) that more than anything _time_ is an important factor to excellence. Either the time it takes to build the skill to execute on something quickly or the time to give something room to breath and grow. I believe in personal projects, maturation time is a critical component... and unfortunately I just lose the patience and motivation that I really need to give it that time. That, to me, manifests itself as a lack of dedication to the project. ### Shame This is a big one. I deeply want to be a reliable person, both to myself and to others. When I share an intention with others or make a commitment to myself than it's important that I follow through with that. When I don't or am unable to then often times the result is shame. I feel bad for not being able to deliver this thing that I said I would. I feel bad for what it must say about me as a person. I find that shame accumulates too. There's the mild shame of something taking longer or not being as high of quality as my original intents. As the time from when I committed to delivering something lengthens the shame grows. I know myself well enough to understand that avoidance is my mind's preferred stress response, so the greater the shame the more I just don't want to think about the project to begin with. This forms a very toxic feedback loop that builds a wall between me and tasks I'd like to accomplish but have struggled to put the time into. ### Blank Canvas Syndrome There are two primary categories of projects that are a key indicator of how much progress I'll make. One is projects that spawn out of detailed ideation. Some idea pops into my head about a project and differentiating details come fairly quickly after that. These kinds of projects are much easier for me to start because I feel like I have a solid understanding of where I'm going. The other category of project is one in which I want to accomplish some goal but I don't have a detailed vision of what it should be. In these cases, I often hit the blank canvas syndrome. This is one of the biggest obstacles when I'm trying to build a personal site or digital garden. What should it look like? How should I shape it? What's important to show up front vs what should I collapse in navigation? What is my voice, my visual style, how I want to be perceived? When staring at a new project, these thoughts overwhelm me and makes it incredibly hard to even start. This plays back into [[#Perfectionism]]. ### Analysis Paralysis This is a bit of an offshoot of the [[#Blank Canvas Syndrome]] but it's more insidious in that it's spread out through many decisions I need to make during the creation of a project. Questions about what tech to use or what styles to use. It loops in [[#Perfectionism]] where I consider what's the _good enough_ case vs the _ideal_ case and grapple with the pros and cons of each. The weight of every decision and the plethora of options for each drains a little energy every time until eventually I'm too tired to continue. ### Limited Energy and Competing Priorities This section could probably be just shortened to say _life_. Working on a project takes time and energy that other things in life compete for. Work eats up a significant portion of my time and energy. Then there's just balancing things like maintaining a healthy lifestyle, investing time into building healthy relationships, investing time into other personal growth and learning. When I'm tired from a long day or finally have downtime to myself the thought of getting past [[#Blank Canvas Syndrome]], contending with [[#Perfectionism]] and [[#Analysis Paralysis]], facing the [[#Shame]] of not meeting my own expectations, and being weighed down by my own perceived [[#Lack of Dedication]] means that most projects are dead before they even begin. ## It's Not All Bad To balance out the overall negative tone here, I outline these things because with the knowledge of my own shortcomings comes the wisdom of how to mitigate them. These are all things I'm aware of and that I've developed various means of coping with over time. I succeed by understanding where I struggle, embracing where I flourish, and being honest with myself about my present limitations.